My liver just broke up with me...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
