my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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