I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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