Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My first STD was from a foam party
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
