I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
