You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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