bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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