come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
