Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
