I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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