did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
