Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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