I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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