I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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