Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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