The maid of honor just puked.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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