my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
