Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i've created a new STD.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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