Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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