you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
