Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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