i think my mom watched the whole time
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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