I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
