Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need to align my fucking chakras
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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