Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
