woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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