Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
