I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
