I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
