plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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