Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
no, he came in my armpit
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
