I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
