He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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