Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to calm my uterus...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
