did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
