Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
