Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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