Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
