He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
