well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
