if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
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First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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