omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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