It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
