Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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