I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
