all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
