how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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