I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
