u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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