Banned from zoo.
Again?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
