After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
