I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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