I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
