You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
