I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
