My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
