The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
