Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
