the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
