You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
