im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
