I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
