he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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